I'm writing today as my life has had another large transition. I seem to be the queen of change. Yes, I've got that one down. I am just getting to a point where I am accepting this about myself as I have realized that there is a very good and healthy reason for the (seemingly) constant changes in my life.
I'm going to backtrack a bit and describe a bit of my life a bit so you can have some understanding of what I am talking about. Many years ago I was married. It seems like a lifetime ago, probably because I feel like a completely different person than I was back then, but since we split up and then later divorced in 2005 I have moved ten times. Yes, ten times, and I just recently moved again. I used to judge myself harshly for the constant moving. According to my upbringing it felt like my life was very unstable. But this is what I realized: My need to move came from my constant and vigilant need to grow and evolve. I have always, and still take my inner/personal work and evolution very seriously as it is my prime purpose of this life, and as I rapidly change so must my environment. The biggest part of my evolution has been that I have had a great deal to learn about myself in relationships with others: friendships as well as life partners.
Funny as it seems though, even with all of the moving and changes there was still a great deal of denial of my truth. No matter how hard I tried to deal with my patterns they were still showing up (in a much lesser degree, mind you) in my life as a part of me was not ready to deal with the whole package yet. A pattern that I can see now was a constant: I would not see things that were happening right in front of me that were not in my highest good, and it was like my brain was separating my life out into manageable compartments so that I could stay in that situation in a survivable way. I was so busy attuning to the feelings of others so that I could adjust myself to them, hold everything together in the home, carry their feelings, and make my world look ok on the surface. This, of course leaves no energy or capacity to attune to myself so I could be aware of what I was feeling. When I that busy worrying about the feelings and energy of everyone else I made no space for myself and I had no idea how out of alignment my life was with my true inner self. This I realize is a survival mechanism that I learned when I was a child. If I knew how everyone else was feeling then I could be proactive in staying out of people's way when their energy was not in a good place. I later transferred that way of being into my home and in my relationships as a way of keeping my life at the comfortable dysfunction I was used to. This would never last too long though. Soon I would find a safe place with my community and I would inevitably tune into myself and realize that my life was not congruent with my higher self and I would then make a change. Every time I did this, my life was becoming better and more in alignment with me as I released layers of 'untruths' that I was carrying. I am also now realizing that despite my growth I have still been holding back my evolution for fear of being alone. I am no longer afraid of that.
Please keep in mind that I am in no way suggesting that others need to move as much to be on their path! It has just been my personal path.
I realize that there is a pattern to my big moments of change as well: To see and acknowledge that something big in my life was not working meant that I would need to make a big change and I needed a safe place in which to do that with safe people supporting me. I never could have done it alone. In fact, a big change has only ever happened for me when I was in a safe place with people that know me for Who I Am. Further to that, I needed and still need my community to hold space for me and to help me to remember Who I Am to assist me in sticking with the changes through the transition period.
Whether you are leaving or healing a relationship that is not working, healing an addiction of some sort or healing any painful life pattern our bodies, mind, and ego will have something to say about it, and that is where many people will not allow themselves to complete the transformation and will regress back to the old patterns and addictions. This is not easy work. The emotions that we have been suppressing have to be felt and processed and they can be very intense and it can take a very long time to come to a place of balance, self love, and awareness in that area of your life. In fact, this time of transition can be disorienting as we experience a 'death' of a part of ourselves. This death is a very healthy part of our personal growth as it is a death of a belief system that no long fits. This creates space for our truth but it may take a while to feel it in our body and cellular system and to integrate the changes. Our mind and ego will try to convince us that it is much easier to go back to the old, familiar way, and will put up a strong fight to keep the status quo, no matter how dysfunctional and unhealthy the pattern is. The key to bringing these patterns to end is to bring them to the light and share them with people that you trust and feel safe with and to deeply feel the emotions so they can be processed and integrated. Basically, a great deal of vulnerability and trust is required while you face your shadows with love and respect. It is vital to surround yourself with people that know the truth of Who You Are and to take extra care to not put yourself near people and situations that will try to convince you to regress.
This is the path of growth and evolution and it is the work that we need to do to be responsible for ourselves and our lives. We are not responsible for the inner work of others and if we find that we are with people that are not doing their own work to move forward and grow personally it may be time to step back and allow them to take responsibility their own path. This will either bring the relationship to a new level or this may mean that we can no longer be with these people, and when we give ourselves permission to have the relationships and the life that we deserve then the Universe will support us in doing so. The more congruent our life and environment is to Who We Are then the higher our vibration is and the more effective we are in this world in bringing the whole planet into congruence.
The image above is from my oracle deck called The Messenger Cards. It is # 20 and is titled Pearls of Wisdom. The message that comes with this image speaks to doing our personal work to break patterns that are holding us back from living an Empowered life filled with purpose, and being real with ourselves. When we do this work we receive the wisdom and Grace as integrated beings of light.
I would like to also offer some words to those of you that feel you might be in a situation of abuse with a partner. This can be an extremely challenging, confusing, and fearful time for you. I myself have had abusive partners in my past and I know how my mind continually re framed the situation to make it seem as though it wasn't as bad as it was, but the reality was that I never felt safe or cared for and often was in fight or flight mode but ignoring it. Be honest with yourself about how happy you feel overall and the quality of your life. Is your partner making your life better or harder?
There are many kinds of abuse and different levels of abuse but it is always a good idea to find strong, loving and safe support and a safe plan before you do anything. Create an exit plan and keep yourself safe at all times.
Find a help line if you need to and get information and feedback on your situation and allow someone to create an exit plan with you. This is your life and only you can change it, but there is love, support, and safety for you if you allow it.
May the light of love walk with you,