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Having Deeply Connected Relationships

dragonfly painting by Sandra Kunz

There are always painful times and painful moments in our close friendships and partnerships where we lose our connection and closeness with someone that is very dear to us. This can turn our world upside down. Relationships have a way of showing us aspects of us that we sometimes didn't even know existed, or they play out in the same way over and over as patterns that we can't seem to break. These are wounded aspects of ourselves and they are perpetuated by core beliefs that are not in alignment with our higher selves. We either suddenly find ourselves very triggered and hurt by what someone close to us has said or done or we are triggered on an ongoing basis and we don't even know if it's possible to hit the reset button and how to do that. This is a very normal aspect of relationships and part of their purpose and these experiences have the potential to make us grow and evolve like no other. It is a choice to see it that way, and choices are made consciously. Like most people we tend to have patterns of situations that reoccur until we figure out the belief we carry that is not in alignment with our higher self. It is also a choice to want to look deep enough within ourselves and to love ourselves enough to figure that out. It's hard work and it take commitment.

The first key is to choose to be deeply honest with yourself and how you are feeling. This is perhaps the hardest step for most people because with brave honesty comes the possibility of change and goodness knows we usually like to keep things the way they are, even if they are costing us our happiness. Along with this brave honesty must come sincerity that dissolves the walls that keep intimacy at arms length. This Intimacy I speak of is with others but much more importantly, this is intimacy with ourselves. We can't be close to others if we cannot be really honest with ourselves about how we are feeling. Our relationships are really only as deep as we are willing to be ourselves and not be defensive. This is vulnerability. Again, with that word! Ugh. It's actually a deeply beautiful thing. Vulnerability is really the divine portal to connection and intimacy.

Next, and this is also very difficult for most people (including myself) is to choose to be vulnerable with the person that you wish to reconnect with and to show them the part of yourself that is hurting. This will be a part of yourself that you keep hidden from people because, and trust me on this, you believe that this part of you is not good enough to be loved. You have most likely kept this part of you under lock and key since you were little and the sad thing is that this part of you is only you. A you that needs love and to be shown in order to heal. You have to make the choice to express the feelings and the truths that are the hardest things to admit and to say, and not from a place of blaming but from a place of complete ownership of your own feelings. These aspects of ourselves will show up as open wounds and like a wild animal most of us want to protect our wounds and snarl at anyone that dares to come close to us to touch them. But this is the way of the past and not the road to connection and oneness. The path of vulnerability and authenticity takes is the path of the light warrior, and it takes much more bravery to show love for yourself and who you are than to push people away and blame them for causing you pain.

To have true intimacy with someone there cannot be walls or hidden parts of us. Those are exactly what keeps us apart even though we think that keeping these parts of us hidden makes us more lovable. We could not be more wrong. It is when we can show those parts of us, one layer at a time, to those that we care about that we are we totally free, we can love and be loved from the depth of our being.

This way of being is not only for our close relationships but it is a way of life. To be brave enough to be yourself 100% of the time can be a reality for all of us. The beautiful part about this is that our true boundaries come intrinsically woven into this way of being, as boundaries are no more than our truth and who we are.

If you find that you are speaking your truth from your heart and with a particular person and your words and your heart are continually not landing in a safe place where they are listened to and respected with an equally open heart then you may need to consider that you have evolved out of that relationship. Relationships need equality in giving and receiving, especially the ones that are most close to you in your everyday life. It is not a nurturing or healthy relationship to be the only one giving of yourself and being authentic and you will find that it staying in it will be too hard for you. If one person in a relationship is being authentic and the other is not then there is simply to large of a difference in vibrations from one person to the other. The other person may choose to do their own personal work in being authentic and raise their vibration for their own personal growth and for the growth of the relationship and that is the true gift in relationships. They show us where we need to grow, and we must grow and evolve. It is our nature.

Much love to you,

Sandra Kunz

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